Some of you may have heard the term before -- "rainbow baby." A rainbow baby is the baby you have after having a miscarriage. I had a daughter in 2009 (I like to call her our "sunshine baby"), a miscarriage at 11 weeks in 2011 (we refer to miscarried babies as "angel babies:), a 2nd daughter in 2012, a miscarriage at 7 weeks in 2014, and then a 3rd daughter in 2015. This post is about her - our second rainbow baby, our 3rd girl, our 5th child, Nessa Laine.
When you look at the date this is written, July 17, 2018, you may think, "Wow, you waited a long time to write this post!" And I will say, "You're right! Going from 2 to 3 kids is no joke. You leave man to man defense and enter a zone defense. You lower your expectations exponentially. You realize that someone is gonna feel left out and there's not way to divide and conquer anymore - someone is gonna be upset. And that is pretty much true. However, because of having to adjust so much and releasing more and more control I have found that having 3 kids has been a liberating experience. I have enjoyed motherhood so much more - and maybe it's because I've completely lost my mind - but 2.5 years into it - I'm starting not to care that I have. Actually I am 5 days away from my due date with my 4th and final child and first son, which is what has finally made me sit down and write Nessa's birth story so I don't get details mixed up with the next one.
My pregnancy had going smoothly as others before. Coming out of a season of loss with the previous baby, you're always on edge until you cross the milestones that you didn't with the last one. God showered us with blessings, a very uncomplicated pregnancy, healthy baby throughout, and like I had with Kensington, our 2nd, once 37 weeks rolled by, I was starting to cramp and my body was beginning my very slow process to D-Day.
The week I turned 40 weeks, a heat wave had hit LA. We are this point still didn't have an AC unit (just lots of fans and a good). On Friday, September 11, my due date, I went to see my OB, Dr. Sharon Pushkin. The last time, with Kensi, I had scheduled my 40 week check up on my due date, and Dr. Trejo told me to go straight to the hospital. I was expecting to hear this from Dr. Pushkin, especially as I couldn't wait to be in the hospital with AC!!! This was day 3 of 90+ heat and I was dyinggggg! Unfortunately her news wasn't what I wanted to hear. My contractions were not consistent and I was only 4 centimeters. You have to be 5 for them to send you to the hospital. This pregnancy, unlike the first two, I tested positive for Group B Strep, so I knew i had to go to the hospital to get 4 hours of antibiotics before I delivered the baby. Still, even with this, Dr. Pushking told me to go home, relax, contract and then if they got stronger and better, to give her a call
So (sadly) that's exactly what I did. Went back home, got into my bedroom, placed every fan in there and pointed them all to me, and I lay there, in our bed, relaxing through contractions, both big and small, Thankfully after only a few hours my contractions become stronger and closer together, when I called Dr. Pushkin she gave me the go ahead to go into the hospital. Friends from church came to be with Novi and Kensi, and then Nathan and I drove a few mins to get to St. John's/Providence Hospital in Santa Monica, CA.
When we arrived at the hospital it was a little after 4pm. We had a bunch of stuff to take in (most know I'm not the best at packing light) and as we were getting everything out of the car a little boy, around the ages of 12/13 drove past us - not on the sidewalk, but through the hospital parking lot. As he was passing us he yellled, "Good luck would the baby!" Nathan and I thought it was such a rare occurance - for a little boy to ride his bike through the hospital then personally congratulate and encourage us. We joke around how that boy much be Nessa's guardian angel. Seems like he just could be :).
Once we finally got admitted to the hospital I had to go through my 4 hour rounds of antibiotics. That was no fun. Having to sit still and just wait until that was done. Our room was just down the hall from where we had Kensi, Our nurses were terrific and kind and caring. Dr. Pushkin was excited about this being baby day - and yet again, on their due date! This would make 3 for 3 being born on their due date!
I had never labored through the night before, but this time, once the antibiotics were done being administed, it was around 9pm. So I tried and Nathan tried to sleep as much as we could. I did a lot of my Bradley Method techniques and Nathan would coach me and encourage me to keep going when the contractions started to get longer and closer together. I remember it being around 2am, and since I couldn't sleep, I figured I could labor and maybe watch some TV - keep me distracted. That wasn't a great idea. The contractions were getting worse and I thought to myself, I need to have the nurse check me because it may be nearing time to push. To my surprise I had only gone up to 6cm and I couldn't believe that I was only that far along! It was frustrating. I was tired but totally unable to asleep. Nathan kept coaching me and rubbing my back and we got through the next few hours.
Around 4am, Dr. Pushikin asked if I wanted to break my water. Typically I don't like to do this, but I was tired and thought about how this could really help me progress and get to the pushing stage. So she broke my water and it seemed as if my contractions stopped! They slowed down so drastically, and I could tell Doctor was a little concerned. Thankfully after some other relaxation techniques the contractions started to pick up again. I went to 10 cm pretty quickly . At this point I'm usually freaking out and needing to push immediately. Nessa had floated upwards in my pelvis and was no longer "right there" to push out. So the pressure on my cervix was not as great, and I felt like I was able to breath and talk between contractions.
When it was time to push Nessa, I had no idea how hard it was going to be! Thankfully it only took 3 good pushes, and at 5:48am on Saturday, September 12, 2015. She weighed 7lbs 14oz even and was 20 1/4 inches long. She came out and immediately I noticed her pink skin and blonde hair. "She's Blonde!" I exclaimed. I almost couldn't believe it. The doctor put her on my chest and we started nursing immedately while the cord was pulsating before Nathan cut it. I couldn't believe it - a blonde little girl. Her skin was cute and pink and her lips were so cute and squishy. Our squishy little peace. She was perfect. She was our Nessa Laine. (Nessa is the short form of Agnes, which means "chaste" or pure. Laine is another spelling for "lane" or "path." Therefore we say her name means "pure path.")
This time around I had very little tearing with no stitches needed. The placenta was in great shape. Dr. Pushkin was amazing. And I felt like superwoman. I was SO GLAD that the birth and delivery were over. and I was exhausted having been up for 24 hours. Joe Kaczorowski brought us some Chick-fil-A breakfast. I scarfed that down and decided to sleep as much as I could while Nessa slept. It was a whole new experience giving birth in the morning. Nathan and I were able to get a few hours of sleep during the day. But we were just so in awe of the little sweetie that we were holding. God's promises. A child after the storm - our rainbow baby.
Novi and Kensi adored her. Them meeting her and holding her for the first time are such sweet memories for me. Nathan and his 3 girls. It was perfect. Nessa's eyes have also stayed light, so she my light-eyed baby, too. I love how God answers prayers, even in little things like that. We are so blessed to have her in our lives. She is a beautiful soul and her spirit is sweet. Not too mention she is a hoot! What a gift we were given in sweet Nessa Laine.
Monday, July 16, 2018
Monday, June 16, 2014
So Thankful for the Hope of Heaven
Today we celebrate a life; a life that did not see the light of day nor take its first breath, but will still have an everlasting impact on our heart and family forever. This little life had hands and feet emerging from developing arms and legs and there was already color in his/her eyes that would change from slate blue to probably brown like Nathan's …he seems to be pretty good at passing that gene down to our children.
Sadly, yesterday, as we desired to see a little heartbeat, a tiny flicker of hope on the black and white screen of the ultrasound monitor, there was nothing. No flutter, just the outline of a tiny, little body, lying peacefully in what would be his/her only home while on this earth. The doctor confirmed we had a miscarriage. Our fourth child, our second loss…and that doesn't make it any easier.
Yet…
We are so grateful for the hope of heaven. For the promise that one day, there will be no more sorrows, no more tears, no more unmet expectations, no more misunderstandings or what ifs. Everything will be fulfilled…our hopes and dreams, our deepest needs. We will understand why; we will see God's plan for His greater purpose. We will understand His lofty ways. And we truly believe we will be reunited with the ones we love, the ones we lost, those who were gone too soon, those "precious in his sight." We believe when we enter Heaven, we'll receive our reward - included in that will be our little angels, our two beautiful, healthy children, running into our arms and meeting us for the first time in the indescribable glory of God.
It is this hope that we cling to. It is the underserving grace that God pours over us which allows us to see the beauty through the pain and for that we are so thankful. We lean into his strength which is made perfect in our weakness.We hold tight to the promise that He. is. good. His mercy is unending. He is the God of all comfort. Through this our faith will not be shaken, but strengthened. Though a terrible situation, the Lord will use all of it for our good. Of course we will mourn. We will question. We will be angry. But God is big enough to handle that, our emotions and our very limited understanding. We find shelter in the shadow of His mighty hand. He is moved to compassion by our tears. We believe that those who sow with tears will reap in joy. Though sorrow may last through this night joy will come in the morning. That He is before all things and in Him all things are held together. And we rejoice that He is the one who is holding us now.
Thank you everyone for your prayers, words of encouragement and love during this difficult time. It means the world to us. So now we hope in the Lord, knowing he will renew our strength. We will soar on wings like eagles; we will run and not grow weary. We will walk and not be faint.
-Jessica & Nathan
Sadly, yesterday, as we desired to see a little heartbeat, a tiny flicker of hope on the black and white screen of the ultrasound monitor, there was nothing. No flutter, just the outline of a tiny, little body, lying peacefully in what would be his/her only home while on this earth. The doctor confirmed we had a miscarriage. Our fourth child, our second loss…and that doesn't make it any easier.
Yet…
We are so grateful for the hope of heaven. For the promise that one day, there will be no more sorrows, no more tears, no more unmet expectations, no more misunderstandings or what ifs. Everything will be fulfilled…our hopes and dreams, our deepest needs. We will understand why; we will see God's plan for His greater purpose. We will understand His lofty ways. And we truly believe we will be reunited with the ones we love, the ones we lost, those who were gone too soon, those "precious in his sight." We believe when we enter Heaven, we'll receive our reward - included in that will be our little angels, our two beautiful, healthy children, running into our arms and meeting us for the first time in the indescribable glory of God.
It is this hope that we cling to. It is the underserving grace that God pours over us which allows us to see the beauty through the pain and for that we are so thankful. We lean into his strength which is made perfect in our weakness.We hold tight to the promise that He. is. good. His mercy is unending. He is the God of all comfort. Through this our faith will not be shaken, but strengthened. Though a terrible situation, the Lord will use all of it for our good. Of course we will mourn. We will question. We will be angry. But God is big enough to handle that, our emotions and our very limited understanding. We find shelter in the shadow of His mighty hand. He is moved to compassion by our tears. We believe that those who sow with tears will reap in joy. Though sorrow may last through this night joy will come in the morning. That He is before all things and in Him all things are held together. And we rejoice that He is the one who is holding us now.
Thank you everyone for your prayers, words of encouragement and love during this difficult time. It means the world to us. So now we hope in the Lord, knowing he will renew our strength. We will soar on wings like eagles; we will run and not grow weary. We will walk and not be faint.
-Jessica & Nathan
Saturday, August 18, 2012
God's Promises...
The last blog entry I wrote was the day after we lost our 2nd baby at 11 weeks.
Today's blog I write with a brand new 1 week old baby girl sitting in her infant bouncer, fast asleep.
God is good.
On December 4th, 2011 I realized I was pregnant. Nathan and I had been actively trying to get pregnant since September, and sometime during the middle of November, God answered our prayers!
To know there was new life inside of me, especially after the loss of our little angel just 9 months earlier, was so incredible. I couldn't thank God enough.
Because of my cycles being all haywire after my miscarriage, we had a "due date window" - anytime between August 10th & 14th - yes, that's right ANOTHER August birthday! (G'Gma Ruth - Aug 1; PopPop - 3rd; Novi's - 4th; Super close friend, Ryan Connell - 5th; Dad's - 7th; Brooke & Brynne's - 8th; Mom's - 9th; and Amber Didden, a bestie from college - 10th!) You never forget which month to celebrate, but keeping the days straight can be a bit challenging.
So, August 10th was the 28-cycle due date, August 12th, 30-day cycle (my average) and the 14th was the due date according to the ultrasound that was done on December 20th - so we told everyone the 14th...that way if I went past that date, it wouldn't feel as late as the others! (*Side note: Novi came on her 28 cycle due date - August 4th - so I wasn't sure what it was like to go early or be late!)
This pregnancy was different - I definitely had a little bit of morning sickness, but still very mild. My biggest complaint was SI joint issues (tailbone and hip pain), heartburn, and looking bigger WAYYYY earlier than I did with Novi. I looked pregnant pretty much immediately after I found out I was pregnant - or so it seemed to me. :)
As the end of my 1st trimester came to a close, I became so anxious - would I lose this one two? Am I really able to carry another baby full term? What can I do to make sure that doesn't happen again? What will I do or how will I feel if it does? Will I be as strong as the last time? Such thoughts filled my mind, but the Lord was gracious and flooded my heart with His peace. I entered my 2nd trimester without any problems, excited to gain a little bit of energy to keep up with my potty-training, crazy-dancing, growing-up-so-fast 2 1/2 year old!
Novi was so incredibly excited about her new baby brother or sister. She guessed it was a "girl" - and she was right! We found out a little early - around 16 weeks - that we had an 85% chance of having a girl, and it was confirmed at our 20 week anatomy scan
The U/S doctor told us that she looked just perfect - we were so thankful to hear that this little one was blessed and completely healthy.
My 3rd trimester was definitely more difficult this time than the last - I felt bigger, the baby was lower, and I wasn't able to sleep when I wanted too...and when I could sleep it hurt. Let's just say nighttime wasn't my favorite time during those 12 weeks! So instead of sleeping, I made myself start the "nesting" process. I stayed up and crazy amounts of work done...which included stroller research, of course :)
At 35 weeks, I was large and in charge - and already dilating, contracting (fun, braxton hicks), and effacing - this baby was well on her way!
At 39wks, 5 days on August 8th, I was 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced and the baby was SUPER low! Dr. Trejo, my incredible OB (love, Love, LOVE her!) told me that when this baby would come - it would be fast! I still wouldn't let her strip my membranes - I was saving that for a "we need to induce you soon" diagnosis.
On Friday, August 10th, I was definitely feeling something going on. I was having back pain, hip pain, contractions, etc. but nothing was consistent, so I was hesitant to go in. After a few other little labor signs (I won't bore you with those details) I called Dr. Trejo and she told me to come in for a check up.
Taking Novi with me, we went into her office at 10am - and yup, I WAS IN LABOR! I was 5 cm dilated and a little more effaced. Dr. Trejo said that if my water broke, she was afraid I'd have this baby in the car on the way to the hospital - so I cancelled my PT appointment, called Nathan, went home to get our stuff packed up, took Novi to the sitters and away to the hospital we went!
We were admitted at St. John's Health Center, in Santa Monica (just a mile from our house!) around 1pm. I was having contractions, but nothing too crazy. Nathan and I made ourselves at home in the labor and delivery room. The maternity floor there is incredible - private rooms, all new, beautiful, serene, comfortable, and SO quiet! It was an incredible experience laboring there. The nurses were awesome - so nice and encouraging - and made me feel completely at home.
Nate and I have always decided to take the labor and birth process step by step. If I could have this baby without drugs - then so be it. If I wasn't able to handle it, then we'd take the next step. I only had a 1/2 dose of Stadol with Novi, and was completely happy with my birth process...but I really challenged myself this time, actually learned some real Bradley relaxation techniques, and did more reading concerning natural, unmedicated childbirth. But again...whatever happens, happens, and we take it one step at a time. My goal was to give birth to a safe and healthy baby - whatever way she was to come.
Dr. Trejo wanted to break my water right away, but experiencing that with Novi, I decided to wait a little while before we did that. Thankfully I made some progress, and 6, 6.5 cm, 7 cm came and went - no big deal. I was posting updates on FB, calling my mom, relaxing and listening to worship music (shout out to Trinity Grace Church - thanks for your awesome tunes!) and bouncing on my birthing ball without breaking a sweat. I decided that Dr. Trejo could try to break my water...but the baby was too far down for anything to happen. By this time, it was around 7pm...at least I think so :)
Then...transition labor began.
And yeah...I was starting to feel it.
I missed my opportunity to take Stadol (which I didn't really want to do anyway) and had no other option but the mini epidural...and that wasn't going to happen. So I was doing this - with NO pain medication. Okay...bring it on :)
Contractions got tougher and tougher. I got the transition shakes, tried visualizing, tried different birthing positions, but it was getting harder and harder to get through them. Nathan was an incredible birthing coach, though, rubbing my back, using counter - pressure, and encouraging me when I felt like giving up. I definitely wouldn't have been able to get though that without him.
The rectal pressure was increasing. It took all I could to get through the contractions. And I was only at 8, 8.5 cm. I began to pray, and pray....and pray! Prayer and pelvic tilts - that's how I got through that last cm. At 9.5 cm Dr. Trejo was able to break my water, and within seconds I was at 10 and SO READY to get this baby OUT!
...& 1 min later - she was!
Yes, I was a warrior woman. Pushing (on my side thanks to the SI joint issue) was crazy - I had that out of body experience when I realized my body was doing the work even though my brain wasn't actually saying "push." Hanging onto the sides of the bed, letting out noises from the depths of my soul, and getting down to business...after 3 pushes, she was here!
...and with the high of giving birth without pain medication, I said, "Thank GOD that is over!" I was truly thankful, for the end of labor - and the beginning of life with our 2nd little bundle of joy!
Kensi had a bowel movement right before I delivered, so they had to take her over to the warmer and clean out her airways before she could breathe. Nathan got to hold her first, which I'm sure was special for him, while I was stitched up (minor 2nd degree tear). Then we got to spend the next 45 mins together holding her, looking at her, and letting her breastfeed. We couldn't believe how beautiful she was, and how much she reminded us of Novi! We skyped with our parents, and were visited by Nate's brother, sister-in-law and nephew, who brought us Arby's...which tasted SO GOOD!
That night I was in awe of the little miracle I held in my hands. A little life, that was now entrusted to Nathan and I, who will hopefully one day, know the incredible love of our Heavenly Father. We are now a family four! I couldn't believe it.
[[Side Note: Kensington means - the King's land, so to us it means "Belongs to the King." Noelle was chosen because we found out in December that we were pregnant. ...so we have Kensington Noelle, aka Kensi and November Loren, aka Novi.)
Our stay at St. John's was wonderful. The postpartum nurses were INCREDIBLE! The took such great care of us, and really made us feel like family. That made it a ton easier being away from all of ours during this special time.
Novi got to meet Kensi Saturday morning. It was so sweet! "My Baby Sister?" she asked as she walked towards us in our room? It was love at first sight. She's been a great help and is transition well, especially for a 3 year old. God has truly blessed us with 2 amazing daughters!
(sorry will fix video soon...)
It has been almost 8 days since Kensington entered our family, and what a wonderful week it has been!
There's something special about having 2 children - Nathan says it feels like our family is more of a mission - and it's true. Excited to see what God has in store for us in the next few years, but for now, I'll savor every little moment. Thanking God for every answered prayer, every promised kept, and every second to be a mommy and wife to the sweetest 3 people on the planet.
Yes, God is SO good.
Today's blog I write with a brand new 1 week old baby girl sitting in her infant bouncer, fast asleep.
God is good.
On December 4th, 2011 I realized I was pregnant. Nathan and I had been actively trying to get pregnant since September, and sometime during the middle of November, God answered our prayers!
To know there was new life inside of me, especially after the loss of our little angel just 9 months earlier, was so incredible. I couldn't thank God enough.
Because of my cycles being all haywire after my miscarriage, we had a "due date window" - anytime between August 10th & 14th - yes, that's right ANOTHER August birthday! (G'Gma Ruth - Aug 1; PopPop - 3rd; Novi's - 4th; Super close friend, Ryan Connell - 5th; Dad's - 7th; Brooke & Brynne's - 8th; Mom's - 9th; and Amber Didden, a bestie from college - 10th!) You never forget which month to celebrate, but keeping the days straight can be a bit challenging.
So, August 10th was the 28-cycle due date, August 12th, 30-day cycle (my average) and the 14th was the due date according to the ultrasound that was done on December 20th - so we told everyone the 14th...that way if I went past that date, it wouldn't feel as late as the others! (*Side note: Novi came on her 28 cycle due date - August 4th - so I wasn't sure what it was like to go early or be late!)
This pregnancy was different - I definitely had a little bit of morning sickness, but still very mild. My biggest complaint was SI joint issues (tailbone and hip pain), heartburn, and looking bigger WAYYYY earlier than I did with Novi. I looked pregnant pretty much immediately after I found out I was pregnant - or so it seemed to me. :)
As the end of my 1st trimester came to a close, I became so anxious - would I lose this one two? Am I really able to carry another baby full term? What can I do to make sure that doesn't happen again? What will I do or how will I feel if it does? Will I be as strong as the last time? Such thoughts filled my mind, but the Lord was gracious and flooded my heart with His peace. I entered my 2nd trimester without any problems, excited to gain a little bit of energy to keep up with my potty-training, crazy-dancing, growing-up-so-fast 2 1/2 year old!
Novi was so incredibly excited about her new baby brother or sister. She guessed it was a "girl" - and she was right! We found out a little early - around 16 weeks - that we had an 85% chance of having a girl, and it was confirmed at our 20 week anatomy scan
The U/S doctor told us that she looked just perfect - we were so thankful to hear that this little one was blessed and completely healthy.
My 3rd trimester was definitely more difficult this time than the last - I felt bigger, the baby was lower, and I wasn't able to sleep when I wanted too...and when I could sleep it hurt. Let's just say nighttime wasn't my favorite time during those 12 weeks! So instead of sleeping, I made myself start the "nesting" process. I stayed up and crazy amounts of work done...which included stroller research, of course :)
At 35 weeks, I was large and in charge - and already dilating, contracting (fun, braxton hicks), and effacing - this baby was well on her way!
At 39wks, 5 days on August 8th, I was 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced and the baby was SUPER low! Dr. Trejo, my incredible OB (love, Love, LOVE her!) told me that when this baby would come - it would be fast! I still wouldn't let her strip my membranes - I was saving that for a "we need to induce you soon" diagnosis.
On Friday, August 10th, I was definitely feeling something going on. I was having back pain, hip pain, contractions, etc. but nothing was consistent, so I was hesitant to go in. After a few other little labor signs (I won't bore you with those details) I called Dr. Trejo and she told me to come in for a check up.
Taking Novi with me, we went into her office at 10am - and yup, I WAS IN LABOR! I was 5 cm dilated and a little more effaced. Dr. Trejo said that if my water broke, she was afraid I'd have this baby in the car on the way to the hospital - so I cancelled my PT appointment, called Nathan, went home to get our stuff packed up, took Novi to the sitters and away to the hospital we went!
We were admitted at St. John's Health Center, in Santa Monica (just a mile from our house!) around 1pm. I was having contractions, but nothing too crazy. Nathan and I made ourselves at home in the labor and delivery room. The maternity floor there is incredible - private rooms, all new, beautiful, serene, comfortable, and SO quiet! It was an incredible experience laboring there. The nurses were awesome - so nice and encouraging - and made me feel completely at home.
Nate and I have always decided to take the labor and birth process step by step. If I could have this baby without drugs - then so be it. If I wasn't able to handle it, then we'd take the next step. I only had a 1/2 dose of Stadol with Novi, and was completely happy with my birth process...but I really challenged myself this time, actually learned some real Bradley relaxation techniques, and did more reading concerning natural, unmedicated childbirth. But again...whatever happens, happens, and we take it one step at a time. My goal was to give birth to a safe and healthy baby - whatever way she was to come.
Dr. Trejo wanted to break my water right away, but experiencing that with Novi, I decided to wait a little while before we did that. Thankfully I made some progress, and 6, 6.5 cm, 7 cm came and went - no big deal. I was posting updates on FB, calling my mom, relaxing and listening to worship music (shout out to Trinity Grace Church - thanks for your awesome tunes!) and bouncing on my birthing ball without breaking a sweat. I decided that Dr. Trejo could try to break my water...but the baby was too far down for anything to happen. By this time, it was around 7pm...at least I think so :)
Then...transition labor began.
And yeah...I was starting to feel it.
I missed my opportunity to take Stadol (which I didn't really want to do anyway) and had no other option but the mini epidural...and that wasn't going to happen. So I was doing this - with NO pain medication. Okay...bring it on :)
Contractions got tougher and tougher. I got the transition shakes, tried visualizing, tried different birthing positions, but it was getting harder and harder to get through them. Nathan was an incredible birthing coach, though, rubbing my back, using counter - pressure, and encouraging me when I felt like giving up. I definitely wouldn't have been able to get though that without him.
The rectal pressure was increasing. It took all I could to get through the contractions. And I was only at 8, 8.5 cm. I began to pray, and pray....and pray! Prayer and pelvic tilts - that's how I got through that last cm. At 9.5 cm Dr. Trejo was able to break my water, and within seconds I was at 10 and SO READY to get this baby OUT!
...& 1 min later - she was!
Yes, I was a warrior woman. Pushing (on my side thanks to the SI joint issue) was crazy - I had that out of body experience when I realized my body was doing the work even though my brain wasn't actually saying "push." Hanging onto the sides of the bed, letting out noises from the depths of my soul, and getting down to business...after 3 pushes, she was here!
Our beautiful Kensington Noelle Kollar...
[[Born 9:07pm, August 10th, 2012 - 7lbs 12oz - 20 1/2 in]]
...and with the high of giving birth without pain medication, I said, "Thank GOD that is over!" I was truly thankful, for the end of labor - and the beginning of life with our 2nd little bundle of joy!
Kensi had a bowel movement right before I delivered, so they had to take her over to the warmer and clean out her airways before she could breathe. Nathan got to hold her first, which I'm sure was special for him, while I was stitched up (minor 2nd degree tear). Then we got to spend the next 45 mins together holding her, looking at her, and letting her breastfeed. We couldn't believe how beautiful she was, and how much she reminded us of Novi! We skyped with our parents, and were visited by Nate's brother, sister-in-law and nephew, who brought us Arby's...which tasted SO GOOD!
That night I was in awe of the little miracle I held in my hands. A little life, that was now entrusted to Nathan and I, who will hopefully one day, know the incredible love of our Heavenly Father. We are now a family four! I couldn't believe it.
[[Side Note: Kensington means - the King's land, so to us it means "Belongs to the King." Noelle was chosen because we found out in December that we were pregnant. ...so we have Kensington Noelle, aka Kensi and November Loren, aka Novi.)
Our stay at St. John's was wonderful. The postpartum nurses were INCREDIBLE! The took such great care of us, and really made us feel like family. That made it a ton easier being away from all of ours during this special time.
Novi got to meet Kensi Saturday morning. It was so sweet! "My Baby Sister?" she asked as she walked towards us in our room? It was love at first sight. She's been a great help and is transition well, especially for a 3 year old. God has truly blessed us with 2 amazing daughters!
(sorry will fix video soon...)
It has been almost 8 days since Kensington entered our family, and what a wonderful week it has been!
There's something special about having 2 children - Nathan says it feels like our family is more of a mission - and it's true. Excited to see what God has in store for us in the next few years, but for now, I'll savor every little moment. Thanking God for every answered prayer, every promised kept, and every second to be a mommy and wife to the sweetest 3 people on the planet.
Yes, God is SO good.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
healing
so, I don't post enough. I haven't even updated since I shared I was pregnant.
well, now I'm sharing this...
well, now I'm sharing this...
So, my fears from yesterday did come true. Last night I went to the ER after rediculous amounts of bleeding, clots and early labor like contraction feeling cramps...and it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage. Thankfully I did not need a D&C, just had everything cleaned out, and in 2 days I'll have some bloodwork to confirm my HCG levels are dropping, and that there is nothing more serious going on.
I cried so much yesterday, realizing what was going on, that I just haven't been able to do much of that today, I'm probably in a bit shock as well. This was my 2nd pregnancy, the timing was perfect, the kids would be 2 years apart, God had provided for insurance bills, and of course, I told everyone I could about being pregnant. I love being pregnant. I was counting down the days til I could feel that first kick. But, I'll just have to wait until next time...
God has been dumping buckets of grace on me today. I'm trusting Him and His sovereignty - His timing, who knows how much more painful (physically and emotionally) this could have been a few weeks down the road, who knows what danger I was being protected from, and even the baby. I believe that all things work together for those who love Him - who have been called according to His purpose. And I know that at least one thing I exist is to be...is a Mom, of childREN! And I stand on that promise.
My friend wrote on facebook today (she didn't know my situation, but was encouraged to share this as a status)
I also read this article written a few months ago by my mother-in-law and it really encouraged me today. If you're going through any difficult situation, or felt just disappointed lately, I suggest you click here and read it! (Even if you're doing okay - read it for the future!)
So as a part of my healing process...here goes...
To my little one: I carried you for 11 weeks, and what a blessed and special time it was. You are so loved by your father, sister and I...what an impression you made on us in such a short time - you must be very special. I don't know why you had to leave so soon, but the heavenly home where you now live, is better than anything I could have given you. I'm excited for you to meet my daddy. You'll be the first grandchild he's held. Have fun running and playing and spending time with Jesus. It's amazing to think that I not only have heaven to look forward to, but there will be a day when you will run into my arms. I love you, little one. I always will... Mama
Thank you, Ladies for your encourage, prayers, and support. I pray a healthy pregnancy for the rest of you! And remember,
"...Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; They will run and not grow weary, They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:27-31 (NIV)
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Oh Boy, oh Boy...or Girl
That's right folks...Baby Kollar #2 is on his/her way! Estimated Day of Delivery : Sept 20, 2011!
Nate and I found out on Tuesday, thanks to an at-home preggo test. I'm in my 6th week (baby is still tiny and fragile so pray he/she stays sticky!)...
We told close friends and family via skype/phone calls/texts the next couple days...and no one was really surprised. Oh, well :)
I still haven't made it Facebook Official, but there's something different about Baby #2 and not feeling like the world has to know right away. It's been somewhat refreshing to feel ok that everyone doesn't need to know...at least not right now. Watch, I'll post something by Monday, haha :)
Wanted to add a cute little pregnancy ticker, too
So, names? Well I still have Jett Livingston as my favorite boy name.
...I go back and forth with the girls.
Nessa Laine
or Kensington Jane (not so sure on the middle name...)
Kenzie was my nickname in highschool (McKenzie was my maiden name) and I wanted to bring it back with out using it fully.
So we'll see...
Anyway, so so SOOOOO excited.
God is way too good!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Feeling somewhat at home.
Well, I've done it. I've finally gotten out.
Out of what? Oh, that little one room that is your bedroom, plus baby's room, plus play room, sometimes dining room and office? Well, what the heck? Why didn't you do that earlier.
Ya know, I've been asking myself the very same thing.
(If you're wondering why do I live in one room...see earlier posts that talk about moving, living in a 3 bedroom apt w/ my BIL & SIL, and another married couple who are good friends, answering the call God has placed on our hearts for this city...or check out Clarity.)
Yesterday and today I took advantage of the free baby-time programs offered at the Santa Monica Public Library. The story-time consisted of singing rhymes and motion songs, reading storybooks, today there was even a flannel graph! The best part was watching Novi talk to younger babies like preschoolers talk to her - so cute! I even met some new people (imagine that?) who are not only fellow Santa Monica residents, but are my neighbors as well, and close! Who would have thought?
I've also put down mommy meet-up groups as well as local MOPS group meetings on my calendar. I'm really excited about all of the new people that Novi and I are meeting. Watching Novi react to a new environment, shyly at first, and then warming up to it, not being afraid to explore brings so much joy to my heart. I definitely want her to exercise her adventurous spirit outside of our pantry...and my underwear drawer, haha. Not to mention, walking to these places is giving me some exercise (finally)!
A few weeks ago, Nathan was trying to encourage me to go to the park, go to the library, go do anything really, but I felt so uncomfortable and unmotivated. Unable to figure our why I felt this way, I began to pray and of course, God began to answer. He showed me deep down I was harboring insecurities, fear, and even some bitterness towards this being our home and not Pennsylvania. I missed my family, my friends. I didn't want to have to start from scratch and make those new relationships, which take time, work, and effort...but I was reminded that we're here to do work for His Kingdom...and that this call is BIGGER than all of that.
Please understand that I was not complaining, we are so blessed. But I must continue to remind myself to exchange my plans for His plans. I must not allow all of that stuff to get into the way of being able to clearly see what my responsibility is as wife, mother, minister, neighbor, friend, and follower of Jesus Christ. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and quit focusing on what is behind, like the Apostle Paul, "...I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead..." (Phil 3:14 NLT). Of course that doesn't mean I have to forget my friends or family back East, but that I now focus on that which God has set before me - the work that I am called to do here.
And here is home.
...and finally...it's starting to feel that way.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Oh, I crack myself up!
So I realized...I'm not a blogger, hence my un-bloggy, un-updated blog. So I've made a decision to just update it when I can and not start every blog with "I can't believe how long it's been..blahblahblah."
I'm excited about today. Nathan and I are in Fresno (we spoke at Lifebridge Church last night) and were planning on driving down King's Canyon to Sequoia National Forest on our way home, but thanks to Pastor Kevin and his wife Ellen, we have a free pass to Yosemite, are going to spend the day there, stay with them again tonight in Fresno, then drive home tomorrow morning! Yosemite! We're so excited!!! God is so good at blessing us, even with little things like that.
Some cool things have happened "lately" (er, since I last blogged)...
I don't really remember May, other than Nathan and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary. We made our annual trip to Melting Pot and had a wonderful dinner there. It makes me sad I have to wait another whole year to eat there again.
In June, I was able to go back home to PA for 2 whole weeks! It was just Novi and I - yes I flew over 5 hours with a 10 month old, by myself! It was wonderful - I got to spend time with Nathan's folks and family in the Poconos, see Nathan's cousin (and my good friend) Tiffany and Eric get married, then watch my little (but taller!) brother, Matt, graduate from high school! I spent 10 days in Salisbury - having a ton a fun with my family. That's the longest I was at home since I lived there!
(We also found out that my brother-in-law & his wife (Josh & Allison) are expecting a baby around Valentine's Day! So crazy, and sooooo awesome!)
At the end of June, Nathan, Novi & I made our 1st trip to Disneyland with good friends, Clay, Angie and their daughter, Macy. I couldn't believe how many rides she could go on with us. We rode a spaceship ride, the Dumbo ride, Pirates of the Caribbean, Peter Pan's Flight, It's a Small World (although Novi slept through that. How? I have no idea!), watch an awesome parade and light show. Novi almost threw up in Nate's hair while she was on his shoulder's, but like a good girl, she leaned over before she puked. We had a blast! I can't wait to go there again. I love amusement parks, but taking your own children there brings such a new dynamic to it.
So far in July, we've had some awesome stuff happen already. We had a great 4th of July with our team putting on an outreach in the park and then hanging watching fireworks at the Marina. The day before Nathan and I got to gig for a party in the Palisades for one of his guitar students' parents' party. It's awesome when you get paid for doing something you love! We met a lot of cool people and ate awesome food.
That brings me to today - speaking of which, I have to finish getting ready. I enjoy so much doing things as a family - taking Novi to new places and watching her start to notice the world, wonder, and enjoy it! Thank you God, for blessings us with this curious, wobbly, speed-crawling little joy!
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